spinelstar: (mozart livejournal)
[personal profile] spinelstar
…The FML Edition.

Just kidding. Well, sorta. Only sorta because I feel I should preface this by saying that I've hit another low this week. I feel borderline depressed, honestly (I'm not even sure I should be saying "borderline"). But I'll put the details behind a cut; feel free to skip it. In fact, I might recommend it. :P

Ever have that moment, when you're in a bad mood and someone's talking to you, and they stop and say, "I'm sorry, I'm boring you, aren't I? I don't have to bother you if you want to be left alone," and you realize that the fact that they were talking to you was the only thing comforting you right now, even if you weren't invested in the conversation, and you don't know how to make them stay because you have nothing more interesting to talk about with them?

Maybe not. But I have that often. I had it yesterday. And it is one of the most devastating feelings in the world. Not as bad when she stays and talks you through it. But it's still oddly depressing, and I think I just ended up bringing her down in the process. I didn't feel much better.

I realize I'm going about this the wrong way. My only meaningful source of human contact these past two weeks has been my family, through Skype (and my sister through AIM). And it hasn't really been sufficient for me, apparently.

I know I should be making more of an effort to hang out with my fellow JETs here in Mie, but I am so. tired. of. them. They're not bad people, but it is like pulling teeth to get them to do anything with me. I have to endure rejection from the majority of them before I get a response from maybe one of them (usually the same person, who's really sweet but never invites me anywhere), and that's usually only after I admit that I'm getting desperate. I don't feel close enough to any of them to pour my heart out, because really, what have I done for them that gives me the right to dump my problems on them?

I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong, and why they never mention to me anything they're doing. I've said no to invitations maybe once or twice, and not recently.

I haven't been sleeping well, either. I don't know what it is. But I go to work every morning exhausted. And I am just sick of being here. My job is not fulfilling. I sit through half the class not helping at all. I'm tired of being stared at. I'm tired of not being able to understand people, and not being able to read anything. And I'm sorry, but my placement SUCKS. I'm tired of driving an hour to get anywhere. I miss being able to step out for like, a half an hour to grab some dinner. It's a three-hour project because of how far out in the boonies I live. I miss being able to order pizza. I miss real American food. I miss gas stations that stay open all night.

I miss my family. I miss my bed, I miss the couch in the living room that I see whenever I call them on Skype. (I miss furniture that actually sits as far off the floor as it should.) I miss my real friends. One of my best friends is in the hospital right now because she went into premature labor almost a month ago, I think. They've kept her stable and she's going to have the baby soon. I wish I could be there. I miss TL. I wish I could see her too.

Most of all, I miss my sister. Last night, she seemed pretty depressed, too. She's so completely stressed out about her book; right now she doesn't even seem to feel like it has a chance of getting published. And the fact that we're all cheering her on has apparently made her feel like there's more pressure. My parents haven't been helpful. They were nagging her (sort of unintentionally) through the most recent round of edits because they know NOTHING about the writing process and don't seem to realize that these things take time. (J.K. Rowling took 10 YEARS to write the first Harry Potter book, I think. My sister's taken a little over a year.)

And I imagine I haven't been helpful at all, either. Apparently some of the things I said about her last book made her paranoid, and made her writing "feel inhibited," and now she says the whole thing feels stilted and awkward. I haven't read the newest version, so I don't know. But to be honest I'm worried, because she's talked so much about cutting absolutely every word she felt was at all unnecessary, and I just liked it so much when she wasn't quite as worried about word count and put in little unnecessary descriptions here and there. But then again, of course, what do I know?

I realized last night that I would give up the only dream I'd ever held onto—my dream of falling in love, getting married, all of that—if she could have hers. I would do it in a heartbeat, without a second thought. And that surprised me, because I've never been good at loving her unselfishly. I've always been unsupportive, even cruel at times, because I was always jealous of her—of her talent, of her creativity. You may have noticed I draw a lot. That's only because she always did. And I would complain to her frequently about how my drawings were no good, all but forcing her to pull me out of my slump, and yet I couldn't say two nice things about any of her work. It tends to be the same with her writing. (I'd like to think that this book has been the exception, and because my praise is genuine, I hope that makes it more meaningful, but. :/) And she's told me before that the reason she's not comfortable singing in public is also because of something I said, I'm sure during another bout of jealousy.

But, still. I would give up the only dream that ever meant anything to me, the thing that I always imagined would become my sole purpose for existing, if it meant my sister's book would be published. Because after all the crap she's been through in her life, she deserves it. And it would be the cruelest joke Fate ever played if she went through all of this and had nothing to show for it. I firmly believe that she was meant for this. And right now, it's one of the only things that matters to me.

*deep breath*

But because I have not been depressed every moment of this past week (and because I need it now more than ever, really), we continue with your regularly-scheduled TILT:

Going shopping! I went to the mall on Tuesday and gave myself a little shopping spree. I bought a couple of cool shirts (they have a plus-sized store at the mall in Meiwa, which is *awesome*!), some black capri pants with a bit of lace at the cuffs (so cute!), and a short, plaid skirt that actually fits right (!!!)! I also bought a cute pair of glasses (with useless lenses, because I don't wear glasses XD), a head scarf, and some little bins and things to help me organize as I continue cleaning my house.

This article. This comes dangerously close to breaking my rule of not-stealthily-sticking-complaints-in-one-of-these-entries, but WOW if it doesn't make me feel grateful for my situation. I took some Chinese in college, and it's hard. And to have it all be made useless because of dialect differences? Japanese looks easy now! And I've never been shouted at or been the cause of a crowd forming. And… so much else, so much to be grateful for. A long article, but a fascinating read.

Taking photos of myself. I understand that for a lot people, this could very well make them feel worse when they're depressed. But not me! I love taking photos of myself, and that realization makes me happy, in and of itself. To be honest, I love the way I look right now! I have my days when I don't, but everyone does, right? I've just been looking in the mirror lately and realizing that, yeah, maybe I'm overweight, but I've got such nice curves and in a way that sort of resembles an hourglass. That said, I really want to overhaul my eating and (non-existent) exercise habits when I get back to the States (and actually have a gym close by!). But I'm almost apprehensive to do so—I hope I won't lose my figure and look like a boy! XD But I'm sure I'll feel better anyway.

~Little Things That Made Me Smile~

K-pop ♥ Ordering things from Amazon.co.jp (and getting them the next day) ♥ Milk and cookies ♥ Mac n' cheese ♥ Ice cream sandwiches that are easy to eat ♥ Red lipliner ♥ Black-and-white movies ♥ A fan with koi fish on it ♥ Spring breezes ♥ Boggle on my iPhone ♥ Drawing things for somebody ♥ Thank-you emails ♥ Singing loudly ♥ Pink bathwater ♥ Surprising someone because I undertstood what he said (in Japanese) ♥ xoJane ♥ Plushies with squeakers ♥ Wearing sunglasses indoors ♥ High heels ♥ Short sleeves ♥ Sunshine and rain
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January 2012

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