spinelstar: (data meh)
[personal profile] spinelstar
I didn't realize I was going to be an emotional basket case after I came home.

I've been through this before-- a mild depression that tends to set in whenever I suddenly have lots of time on my hands (for example, after school ends, or after I've been in a show and I no longer have rehearsals to go to). I start feeling bored and restless and guilty for all the time I spend relaxing/doing nothing. I get irrationally mad at my sister because I choose to stay up late with her. I roll my eyes in frustration behind my Dad's back because he wants to have dinner and watch family-favorite TV shows with us when he gets home-- only because I've been watching TV all day and I'm sick of it. My Mom asks me what's wrong and is there anything I want to do with her, and I give her vague, unhelpful answers before launching into another round of complaints about how bored and lonely I am. And then do nothing about it.

I love going out and doing things, but there are too many things that feel weird to do by myself. (Also, I guess it didn't help that my car wasn't working completely until yesterday, but that's kind of another story.) I love hanging out with people, but the relationships I have with most of my (Facebook-)friends are such that they would be surprised and confused if I suddenly called them and asked if they wanted to hang out (i.e. I haven't seen most of them in years). Basically I've usually relied on my sister for hanging out. But right now, I want her to be able to focus on working.

I'd like to make some new friends, but I absolutely hate the process of getting to know people-- I'm horribly shy, as I've complained about at length before. I'm incredibly awkward and terrible at making conversation when I'm out with people, to the point where it makes them noticeably uncomfortable. Even before that, though, I have trouble figuring out at what point it stops being weird to invite people to hang out with me, and I have difficulty getting invited to things unless people have a particular reason to hang out with me specifically. Theater usually works well, because you get to know your castmates during rehearsals and you often go to meals in big groups, but I have a few family vacations coming up and I'd have difficulty committing to a show until the holiday season or after. So I can't decide what to do until then.

I've thought about posting a general Facebook status that says something to the effect of, "I'm lonely-- who wants to hang out?" But besides sounding embarrassingly whiny, it still leaves the problem of people not responding because they automatically assume they don't know me well enough, so they're not one of the people I'd want to reply.

I know, I know, I probably just sound like I'm making a ton of excuses, and I'm a lazy, moody Pisces and all of that. If you have advice, feel free to share, but bear in mind that I'm probably not in the mood to hear it. If I sound annoyed at anyone I apologize in advance. My family (who know my situation best with all of its complexities) don't even give me advice anymore because they know they can't really help.

Anyway, I want to start RPing again-- I really do miss it. But I think I'll hold off until I figure out what's going on with me. Mom and I are going to get memberships to an exercise club this week, so having that to do will probably help, and then maybe I'll get a better handle on developing a normal, daily schedule.

You guys are awesome and I miss you. ♥ Hope to be back soon.

Date: 2011-09-05 05:21 am (UTC)
ceitfianna: (Charles+Raven-here to hold you)
From: [personal profile] ceitfianna
*hugs* I know that feeling so well. I connected to some people from SI but most of the ones I like hanging out with have moved away or are busy. So its tricky. I'm here if you just want to talk, no pressure to RP or a phone call as I could do with more random socializing too.

Today I decided to have social dancing be my exercise thing for the semester and I think that will be good for me and there are plans for a gaming group. Its weird to not have school, still have a part time but not a full time. So I have time to fill but not in a way I'm used to.

In between times are always so complicated especially after being someplace else for a while. I felt the times after I came back from New Zealand a lot, it changed for the later years but it was never simple.

Date: 2011-09-05 05:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] in-the-blue.livejournal.com
Change is difficult. Adjustments take time. Also, it sounds like you do know what's going on with yourself but don't much care for it. That'll take time too.

That is all. ♥

Date: 2011-09-05 02:05 pm (UTC)
camwyn: Me in a bomber jacket and jeans standing next to a green two-man North Andover Flight Academy helicopter. (Default)
From: [personal profile] camwyn
If there's anything I can do to help, hon, lemme know. I know that's probably not much given that I'm not near you geographically speaking (so far as I know), but... whatever I can assist with, y'know?

Date: 2011-09-06 12:12 am (UTC)
chanter_greenie: a slightly faded picture of a three-legged torbie kitty cat with a lot of rust coloring in her fur (supermodel kitty)
From: [personal profile] chanter_greenie
*hugs you* If we were anywhere near each other distance-wise, I'd love to hang out with you. Drat distance.

Date: 2011-09-09 03:27 pm (UTC)
genarti: Knees-down view of woman on tiptoe next to bookshelves (Default)
From: [personal profile] genarti
*hugs*

First of all, I think there's nothing wrong with that Facebook status thing. If you want to strip away the "I'm lonely" part, maybe something like "Feels like I haven't seen any of you in ages! Anyone want to hang out? (Yes, you!)" I mean, it's totally up to you what you want to say and where and all that, but I wouldn't be at all bothered to hear that from one of my friends. :)

Or, if you're okay with a small group, I find inviting a handful of people to something useful when I'm feeling introverted but want to socialize, because then I don't have to carry the burden of half the conversation. I can fade into the background more while other people talk, or I can chat some and then let other people take more control of the conversation when my talking falters.

Or none of this might apply to you! In any case, I sympathize. Readjustment is always hard, and stagnation -- even when it's also readjustment and recuperation and leisure time -- is hard too. Here's hoping things level out soon for you. <3

Date: 2011-10-09 08:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dictator-duck.livejournal.com
YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH ME ANY TIME YOU WANT. <3. (well, MOST times you want, haha. You know what I mean!)

I just fail LJ. And Facebook. And... and... your face is awesome <3.

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