spinelstar: (data meh)
[personal profile] spinelstar
I didn't realize I was going to be an emotional basket case after I came home.

I've been through this before-- a mild depression that tends to set in whenever I suddenly have lots of time on my hands (for example, after school ends, or after I've been in a show and I no longer have rehearsals to go to). I start feeling bored and restless and guilty for all the time I spend relaxing/doing nothing. I get irrationally mad at my sister because I choose to stay up late with her. I roll my eyes in frustration behind my Dad's back because he wants to have dinner and watch family-favorite TV shows with us when he gets home-- only because I've been watching TV all day and I'm sick of it. My Mom asks me what's wrong and is there anything I want to do with her, and I give her vague, unhelpful answers before launching into another round of complaints about how bored and lonely I am. And then do nothing about it.

I love going out and doing things, but there are too many things that feel weird to do by myself. (Also, I guess it didn't help that my car wasn't working completely until yesterday, but that's kind of another story.) I love hanging out with people, but the relationships I have with most of my (Facebook-)friends are such that they would be surprised and confused if I suddenly called them and asked if they wanted to hang out (i.e. I haven't seen most of them in years). Basically I've usually relied on my sister for hanging out. But right now, I want her to be able to focus on working.

I'd like to make some new friends, but I absolutely hate the process of getting to know people-- I'm horribly shy, as I've complained about at length before. I'm incredibly awkward and terrible at making conversation when I'm out with people, to the point where it makes them noticeably uncomfortable. Even before that, though, I have trouble figuring out at what point it stops being weird to invite people to hang out with me, and I have difficulty getting invited to things unless people have a particular reason to hang out with me specifically. Theater usually works well, because you get to know your castmates during rehearsals and you often go to meals in big groups, but I have a few family vacations coming up and I'd have difficulty committing to a show until the holiday season or after. So I can't decide what to do until then.

I've thought about posting a general Facebook status that says something to the effect of, "I'm lonely-- who wants to hang out?" But besides sounding embarrassingly whiny, it still leaves the problem of people not responding because they automatically assume they don't know me well enough, so they're not one of the people I'd want to reply.

I know, I know, I probably just sound like I'm making a ton of excuses, and I'm a lazy, moody Pisces and all of that. If you have advice, feel free to share, but bear in mind that I'm probably not in the mood to hear it. If I sound annoyed at anyone I apologize in advance. My family (who know my situation best with all of its complexities) don't even give me advice anymore because they know they can't really help.

Anyway, I want to start RPing again-- I really do miss it. But I think I'll hold off until I figure out what's going on with me. Mom and I are going to get memberships to an exercise club this week, so having that to do will probably help, and then maybe I'll get a better handle on developing a normal, daily schedule.

You guys are awesome and I miss you. ♥ Hope to be back soon.
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January 2012

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